My little one used to hold my hand all the time. If we were crossing parking lots or roads or just walking into a store, he quickly reached out for me. He has now reached the age of pulling away and fighting my grip because he thinks he is big enough to walk alone. His quest for independence usually comes out in a huff and a puff and trying to yank his hand away. Today I turned every head near me as I yelled ‘stop’ to my running son and grabbed his hand hard. He fought like crazy but I wasn’t letting go. Sure I got stared down, some people probably thought I was one of ‘those‘ moms, but I don’t think one other mother would berate me for gripping tighter to my son's hand as he fought me across the busy road. On the other hand, I could get arrested for child endangerment if I let him run across the road on his own just like he wants to and I just don’t think a judge would let ‘he said he was big enough’ slide as an excuse. He doesn’t like my grip but he can’t see what I can see or know what I know. He has no concept of the hurt and pain his disobedience would cause himself and all those around him. And so my grip tightens as I reign him in...because I love him.

We are all born with a sin nature and a major part of that is the desire to be independent. I could use big words like autonomous or self sufficient but it all really boils down to a prideful attitude that screams ‘I don't need you’ and often turns into ‘I don’t want you either.’ When we aren't the ones doing the squeezing, it's easy to label those people bossing us around control freaks and we try to push away with all our might.  I've noticed that we can put the same label on God. We twist and pull against His tightening grip, ask (or yell) to let go of our hand because we can do it by ourself. This whole thing is too narrow minded, too controlling, too many rules.  Sometimes God’s grip seems stiflingly tight. Tight around finances, tight around relationships, tight in conviction. He just keeps holding on and holding me back because He loves me. He is trying to spare me from all the hurt that will affect me and those around me. His grip also keeps me close to Him so I can hear His voice. I know the truth because it's the same thing I tell my son, 'it only hurts because you are pulling away.' It never hurts when I remember my first love and the joy of reaching for His hand. 
​
What would it take to change your mindset from fighting God to submitting to His hand? Have you lost your love for holding God's hand or started walking by yourself? 

In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 1 Peter 5:5-6

Have you ever stood on the high dive at the public swimming pool?  Who knew 5 feet above the ground could look and feel like 20?  That's how I have felt the past 9 months while working towards publishing a set of my devotions in paperback form. Excited and nauseas all at the same time, I jumped last night and am learning to swim in a whole new world. If you have read any of the 'Shadow of My Porch Swing' devotionals on YouVersion, this book has some of those and more that have not been shared. 40 days for you to pause and find Jesus somewhere in that 24 hours. 

Maybe you've even been standing on that high dive for a long time not sure if you can trust the calling. This is your encouragement to jump. Come on! Obedience opens the door for blessing.

I wrote this devotional almost a year ago before my first YouVersion devotional plan had published. I was terrified to step so far out of my comfort zone. Now, I'm taking a huge leap again as I get ready to publish a devotional journal. As much as I want to say 'No', I know that obedience means saying 'Yes' to this call. Jesus promises to equip every time He calls, so here we go. It's time to risk.

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Matthew 19:21-22 NIV

“Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 
Matthew 14:29 NIV

I often find myself asking God for an open door, guidance, wisdom, a sign, whatever. When I look back at my life, there are specific places I wonder why I never experienced ‘Yes’ for that season. Now don’t misjudge me, I’m fully aware that God often says ‘No’ or ‘Wait’ but if I’m truthful, sometimes I play a major role in the outcome. In reality, the door was opened the opportunity given, the dream set in motion, the invitation handed out, but I closed the door on my ‘Yes.’ I opted for safe because the opposition intensified or the risk seemed too great. 

I could have started that business or written that book. I could have made a new friend, taken the class, applied for the job, moved to that city…but I said no. It wasn’t God shutting the door, it was me.
The wonderful thing about life is that each one of us has a choice to participate in it. We aren’t robots set on a never changing course. 

I’m drawn to the story titled the ‘Rich Young Ruler’ in the Bible. Poor guy, he gets such a bad rap in sermons for choosing money over Jesus. But was that all? It says he was able to honestly answer Jesus that he had kept all the commandments, so obviously, he was faithful and obedient with the choices he had been previously given. As I read his story, I wonder if the risk seemed too great? Sell everything, come, follow me. Leave the security of faithfulness to the law, give up his control and follow a relationship with no sure outcome. Jesus opened the door wide, gave him a ‘Yes,’ and told him exactly how to get there. He chose to close it.
​
So many doors I’ve closed when God offered ‘Yes’ and yet he still makes good out of my not-best choices. His mercies are new every morning and I get to participate in the trajectory of my life today. I may have given up that chance but He hasn’t given up on me. 

Have you ever been aware of a time when you said ‘No’ to God’s obvious ‘Yes?’ What risk is God asking you to take so that you can experience His ‘Yes?’

Jesus, I admit I have often allowed control, comfort or fear to convince me to close a door You have opened. Sometimes the chance comes again and sometimes it doesn’t. Give me the faith to follow Your lead and take the risk. I want to have eyes to see and a heart that chooses ‘Yes’ when You open the next door.

Today has been one of those rough mom days. I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, I’ve made calls and I’ve prayed again. There are times that being a mom just brings me to the end of me. Ok, let’s be honest, that’s most days.  But nothing strips me bare like the pain of a hurting child. Whether it’s friend rejection, belief of a lie, working through a difficult situation, disappointment, learning struggles or even physical differences, when our babies are hurting, we hurt. We naturally want to fix it. As a parent who loves Jesus, the struggles of watching a child operate outside of God’s best is even more heartbreaking. Bring on the guilt that satan so willingly desires to assign to me and I find myself crumpled at the feet of Jesus…again. 
As I open my Bible and read stories about people doing great (or not so great) things, I stop to ponder their mommas. It’s so easy to isolate the story from the relationship of true life, but we all know that’s not reality. 
*Eve walked with God and saw His face. How many tears did she cry when her beloved first born murdered his brother? And then she saw him be cursed and lost him to wandering as well. 
*Noah’s wife had her family saved as the only living people on earth only to have her youngest disgrace the family. What a shock.
*Hagar bawled to God in the desert as she was told her son would ‘have the hand of everyone against him.’
*Sarah let Abraham take her promised one up a mountain to be sacrificed. Surely she made a scene.
*Hannah suffered through years of infertility, was accused of being drunk and then convinced her husband it’s ok to give him away.
*Mary was shunned for being an unwed mom and watched her son suffer rejection.
*Elizabeth’s son lived in the desert and ate locusts. What did her friends say about that?
*The mom of the blind guy had been blamed for 40 years for her son’s disability and was interrogated by the Pharisees.
*Zacchaeus’ mom surely got the looks when she brought her son to the play group because of his stature…and then he decides to work for the corrupt IRS. Way to honor the family there. 
*Paul had parents that obviously brought him up in church. He won the Bible quiz and got into seminary. Then he decided to go be a mass murderer. 
How many prayers were prayed? How many tears were shed? How many ‘whys’ were cried out? How often did they blame themselves?
I find comfort knowing that from the beginning of time God has written a real life story for a mom like me. The good, bad and the ugly that I read about all have a common thread of redemptive glory.
I’m not the hero, Jesus is. 
Jesus will take every tear cried and bottle it up in a sacred place. All our inabilities are nothing compared to His ability. None of our storms will overwhelm the Lord. No disgrace can’t be covered by His grace and no promise will remain unfulfilled. 
Think about those stories when God reached down in the middle of their meltdown, shame, rebellion or discouragement. Not everyone got all happy endings, but every single one got an audience with the Lord, and many of those kid’s have a profound legacy of God transforming their life. 
May I find mercy and grace at His throne and extend the same to others today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You keep track of all my sorrows, You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8
 
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23
​
For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrew 4:12-16

I have this crazy tradition where I wear my wedding dress every year on our anniversary. With only boys, it’s obviously not going to be passed down to be worn again so I figure I might as well get my money’s worth out of wearing it. Given I bought it on sale for $99, I’m down to $5 a wear. Not bad. This year, as I was washing dishes in my dress, I thought about the tales of the women who have worn this dress. For you see, while the body that wears it may be ‘somewhat’ the same, the woman inside has been very different.

   First, there was the girl escaping her roots. States away in college & uncomfortable in my own skin, I changed a lot of majors and put on a great mask. Despite the show, I connected with some really great people who saw the real me. I found my soul mate and we vowed to be world changers. Grad school and big dreams filled up the future of our lives. I walked down the aisle in a beautiful white dress believing that this new life was a clean white slate before me for my making.
   Then there was the victim. An accident that I felt shattered everything. Dreams, plans, goals…all gone. I, literally, no longer looked the same. And while plans changed and God provided, the victim remained in my heart and my identity. Just like that stubborn flower stain on the bottom left of my dress that won’t come out. Forever tainting the canvas of my life.
   Next was a female warrior. I was driven to do more and be the best. Climb the ladder to the top of the class. Be the great employee, use my woo to make a difference. I knew everyone and thought I was needed by everyone. I worked for a world-changing ministry so I was a world changer, right? I knew I was called and equipped and right smack in the middle of God’s plan and it was good, real good, but then my identity became all wrapped up in what I could accomplish. My sleeveless dress those years showing off my muscled arms that could hold the weight of my world...and possibly yours too.
   Now I’m a home mom and recognize how very little I truly control. My porch holds a sign stating ‘A plain and simple life is a good life’. Give me some tea and a fishing pole and the laughter of my children. My days are spent making meals, cleaning meals, making more meals. Laundry, changing and cleaning children. Doesn’t seem very world changing anymore. I’ve learned to be ok with a few friends and a mostly-warm coffee. I’d rather pull weeds in my garden than drive into town. I smile as I slip on the unadorned, simple satin dress this year. All those years and it’s still a perfect reflection of my story. The dress hasn’t changed, but it has fit in a different way during each season of life. 
   Thirty years ago, I walked down the aisle to God and became His bride. He is the same, never-changing constant presence although I surely don’t look the same. I’ve come to appreciate the different aspects of life with Him over the years. The clean slate, the lessons from the stains I’ve made, the strength I’ve developed and the sheer simplicity of loving Him. I'm thankful for the seasons of growth and change, so I’ll continue to smile when I slip on that dress. After all, it did change my name. 

​*Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17
*To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial, And a name better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off. Isaiah 56:5
*Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-15

Today was a fun day. After I picked up my 4yr old from Pre-K, we went to lunch with some teachers from the boys school as well as the director at a school in El Salvador where we have connected with some penpals. In this electronic day and age, it's been fun to write real letters to children who don't have access to much. After lunch, we dropped by the library to pick up a movie classic...'the Shaggy Dog.' Looks like the Thomas household will be rocking' it for movie night tomorrow! 

Thursdays afternoons come hard and fast with a barrage of school papers, emails, reminders, sign-this, return-that items. What a joy in the midst of the chaos it was to be notified that Week 4 of 'The Shadow of My Porch Swing' devotional had released. Just in time to head to church for a night of worship. 

Jesus is so sweet. So good. So perfect to immediately redirect any praise right back to himself. I praise him for this small platform to share the words of my testimony in hopes that it, too, would bring you closer to him. Seeing Christ in the everyday. Hope has a name. His name is Jesus.

https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/12769/

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.
Philippians 2:12-13
 
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
 
No. No. NO! I did it again. While I love to cook and for the most part can successfully get a complete meal to the table, I am notorious for burning something. Usually, it’s the bread.  But if it’s not the bread, it’s something in my skillet. You know the one, your favorite non-stick skillet that cooks everything perfectly. Yep, that one. This time I got distracted (surprise, surprise) by some small ones arguing and I ran back to the kitchen to smoke and a black skillet. WAH!
That was three days ago. The skillet is still soaking in the sink. Everyday I scrub a little more until my fingers, wrist and arm get tired or my resolve to clean it diminishes first. I really want my skillet back. How could I have been so careless? It wasn’t even on purpose but that five-minute distraction has caused days of frustration and effort to clean up.
I sure wish this wasn’t a perfect picture of my faith, but unfortunately it often is. I pull out my faith in Christ and use it to serve me or others and expect everything I encounter in life to just slide right off that non-stick surface. But then it happens, something distracts me and I forget to tend to my faith and sure enough, it gets burned. Let me just check Facebook or Instagram first this morning. Wow, she’s got it together and I don’t. How could that kid do that? Why am I still dealing with this?  All those little distractions take my eyes off of what I am called to focus on and suddenly I find myself left with a charred heart and mess to clean up. A mess that will take ten-times longer to clean than to make.
  So now I have a couple of choices. I can just throw away my skillet and go buy a new one. I’ve known some friends to do that. Throw away their faith because it’s too burned and cleaning it up seems too hard. Go find a new church, religion, god or quit cooking altogether. I could pretend it’s not a burned mess and keep cooking things right on top. Unfortunately, that keeps leaving this nagging charcoal flavor tinting everything I serve. I wish I didn’t know the bitter taste of living with a charred part of my heart affecting my life, but I do. 
Or I can roll up my sleeves and get to work. Scrub a little today until I’m worn out and then work at it again tomorrow. I relate to Paul when he encourages the Philippians to ‘continue to work out their salvation with fear and trembling.’ I fear seeing that skillet in the sink again today, but ignoring it isn’t going to help, so I researched and found a spray that helps eat through the char. Spray, wait and scrub. Spray, wait and scrub. It’s almost there. I might even have the resolve to finish it up today if I don’t get distracted. 
God is speaking to me about my faith also. It’s not just my effort. When I research in His Word, I’ll find truth to spray on those burned spots. Wait for Christ to soften an area and then do the work of scrubbing. It might take some days or months but I’m determined to get it back so I keep at it. Perseverance sure does pay off, because a little more shines through everyday. 
 
Have you given up on a part of your faith or feel like there’s just too much of a mess there to ever be useful again? What area is God wanting to soften and restore today?
 
Father, my heart is often burned by the things of this world and the mess left behind seems insurmountable. Will you come in, speak truth and soften the hardness? I don’t want to give up but I need encouragement to persevere. Thank you for the truth that I am worth it and useful. No matter how many burns happen, you keep working on me so I can shine. 

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
 
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11
 
‘We are out of ink for the printer, can you pick some up?’  Such a simple request shot across my screen that I didn’t think twice. ‘Sure,’ I quickly replied as I loaded 2 of our boys up in the van. Lunchtime had come and gone as we finished up our monthly service project at a local non-profit in the neighboring town.  Knowing we would pass a store on our way out, I quickly ran through my mental shopping list. You know what I’m talking about. All those random things you forgot on your last list but if you happen to be in the store again you should pick them up.  
Surprisingly, I had nothing. The world very well might have stopped spinning for a moment. 
 
What I did have was a hungry tummy and 2 hungry boys about to bite each other’s head off.   ‘Perfect,‘ I thought, ‘We’ll run in the grocery side and grab a quick snack.‘ (Now pause, have you ever had a moment where you look back and say ‘what was I thinking?’ or ‘surely I never thought that possible?’ well, I have lots of those.)  We quickly grab a small cart, head into the store and see the dreaded sign -CLOSED: TEMPORARILY OUT OF ORDER.  The. Worst. Sign. Ever. 
Great, I could have used the other entrance. The next thought through my mind is a line from a favorite cartoon. 
Get in, get out, never be noticed. 
 
As we jet down the center aisle toward the needed printer ink, there it stands before us. The snack mountain of doom in the form of big, round barrels filled with cheese balls. I’m utterly convinced the only reason large displays of such items are placed in the way of everything is to derail every mom on a one-item mission. Somehow between my youngest commandeering the basket handle and my oldest still moaning about the closed snack bar sign, our tiny cart and the display collide. Oh No! Oh Yes...  Those barrels bounce. And roll. And clatter all down the aisle. Good thing there are three of us to scatter quickly and throw our bodies in front of the run-away cheese balls. (Can I please have a hood on this shirt?) Hurriedly, we gather barrels, re-stack the display and get our ink in silence.  
 
I usher my, still-speechless, boys back to the van where we lose all dignity in peels of laughter while reliving the slow-motion avalanche.  ‘I’m sure glad none of those tops popped off!’ one says. ‘Did you see how far that barrel rolled?’ the other cackles. No dear, I didn’t see, but I’m pretty sure the security camera guys did. They probably replayed it a dozen times, and got a much needed giggle added to their day.
 
Lord, the path I took today didn’t turn out as expected. You interrupted my serious, task-oriented plans and made it a day to remember. Thank you for the gift of interruptions and laughter. May I rejoice in having breath today.