Today has been one of those rough mom days. I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, I’ve made calls and I’ve prayed again. There are times that being a mom just brings me to the end of me. Ok, let’s be honest, that’s most days.  But nothing strips me bare like the pain of a hurting child. Whether it’s friend rejection, belief of a lie, working through a difficult situation, disappointment, learning struggles or even physical differences, when our babies are hurting, we hurt. We naturally want to fix it. As a parent who loves Jesus, the struggles of watching a child operate outside of God’s best is even more heartbreaking. Bring on the guilt that satan so willingly desires to assign to me and I find myself crumpled at the feet of Jesus…again. 
As I open my Bible and read stories about people doing great (or not so great) things, I stop to ponder their mommas. It’s so easy to isolate the story from the relationship of true life, but we all know that’s not reality. 
*Eve walked with God and saw His face. How many tears did she cry when her beloved first born murdered his brother? And then she saw him be cursed and lost him to wandering as well. 
*Noah’s wife had her family saved as the only living people on earth only to have her youngest disgrace the family. What a shock.
*Hagar bawled to God in the desert as she was told her son would ‘have the hand of everyone against him.’
*Sarah let Abraham take her promised one up a mountain to be sacrificed. Surely she made a scene.
*Hannah suffered through years of infertility, was accused of being drunk and then convinced her husband it’s ok to give him away.
*Mary was shunned for being an unwed mom and watched her son suffer rejection.
*Elizabeth’s son lived in the desert and ate locusts. What did her friends say about that?
*The mom of the blind guy had been blamed for 40 years for her son’s disability and was interrogated by the Pharisees.
*Zacchaeus’ mom surely got the looks when she brought her son to the play group because of his stature…and then he decides to work for the corrupt IRS. Way to honor the family there. 
*Paul had parents that obviously brought him up in church. He won the Bible quiz and got into seminary. Then he decided to go be a mass murderer. 
How many prayers were prayed? How many tears were shed? How many ‘whys’ were cried out? How often did they blame themselves?
I find comfort knowing that from the beginning of time God has written a real life story for a mom like me. The good, bad and the ugly that I read about all have a common thread of redemptive glory.
I’m not the hero, Jesus is. 
Jesus will take every tear cried and bottle it up in a sacred place. All our inabilities are nothing compared to His ability. None of our storms will overwhelm the Lord. No disgrace can’t be covered by His grace and no promise will remain unfulfilled. 
Think about those stories when God reached down in the middle of their meltdown, shame, rebellion or discouragement. Not everyone got all happy endings, but every single one got an audience with the Lord, and many of those kid’s have a profound legacy of God transforming their life. 
May I find mercy and grace at His throne and extend the same to others today.
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You keep track of all my sorrows, You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8
 
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23
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For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven,Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrew 4:12-16

I have this crazy tradition where I wear my wedding dress every year on our anniversary. With only boys, it’s obviously not going to be passed down to be worn again so I figure I might as well get my money’s worth out of wearing it. Given I bought it on sale for $99, I’m down to $5 a wear. Not bad. This year, as I was washing dishes in my dress, I thought about the tales of the women who have worn this dress. For you see, while the body that wears it may be ‘somewhat’ the same, the woman inside has been very different.

   First, there was the girl escaping her roots. States away in college & uncomfortable in my own skin, I changed a lot of majors and put on a great mask. Despite the show, I connected with some really great people who saw the real me. I found my soul mate and we vowed to be world changers. Grad school and big dreams filled up the future of our lives. I walked down the aisle in a beautiful white dress believing that this new life was a clean white slate before me for my making.
   Then there was the victim. An accident that I felt shattered everything. Dreams, plans, goals…all gone. I, literally, no longer looked the same. And while plans changed and God provided, the victim remained in my heart and my identity. Just like that stubborn flower stain on the bottom left of my dress that won’t come out. Forever tainting the canvas of my life.
   Next was a female warrior. I was driven to do more and be the best. Climb the ladder to the top of the class. Be the great employee, use my woo to make a difference. I knew everyone and thought I was needed by everyone. I worked for a world-changing ministry so I was a world changer, right? I knew I was called and equipped and right smack in the middle of God’s plan and it was good, real good, but then my identity became all wrapped up in what I could accomplish. My sleeveless dress those years showing off my muscled arms that could hold the weight of my world...and possibly yours too.
   Now I’m a home mom and recognize how very little I truly control. My porch holds a sign stating ‘A plain and simple life is a good life’. Give me some tea and a fishing pole and the laughter of my children. My days are spent making meals, cleaning meals, making more meals. Laundry, changing and cleaning children. Doesn’t seem very world changing anymore. I’ve learned to be ok with a few friends and a mostly-warm coffee. I’d rather pull weeds in my garden than drive into town. I smile as I slip on the unadorned, simple satin dress this year. All those years and it’s still a perfect reflection of my story. The dress hasn’t changed, but it has fit in a different way during each season of life. 
   Thirty years ago, I walked down the aisle to God and became His bride. He is the same, never-changing constant presence although I surely don’t look the same. I’ve come to appreciate the different aspects of life with Him over the years. The clean slate, the lessons from the stains I’ve made, the strength I’ve developed and the sheer simplicity of loving Him. I'm thankful for the seasons of growth and change, so I’ll continue to smile when I slip on that dress. After all, it did change my name. 

​*Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17
*To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial, And a name better than that of sons and daughters; I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off. Isaiah 56:5
*Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-15

Today was a fun day. After I picked up my 4yr old from Pre-K, we went to lunch with some teachers from the boys school as well as the director at a school in El Salvador where we have connected with some penpals. In this electronic day and age, it's been fun to write real letters to children who don't have access to much. After lunch, we dropped by the library to pick up a movie classic...'the Shaggy Dog.' Looks like the Thomas household will be rocking' it for movie night tomorrow! 

Thursdays afternoons come hard and fast with a barrage of school papers, emails, reminders, sign-this, return-that items. What a joy in the midst of the chaos it was to be notified that Week 4 of 'The Shadow of My Porch Swing' devotional had released. Just in time to head to church for a night of worship. 

Jesus is so sweet. So good. So perfect to immediately redirect any praise right back to himself. I praise him for this small platform to share the words of my testimony in hopes that it, too, would bring you closer to him. Seeing Christ in the everyday. Hope has a name. His name is Jesus.

https://www.bible.com/reading-plans/12769/

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.
Philippians 2:12-13
 
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
 
No. No. NO! I did it again. While I love to cook and for the most part can successfully get a complete meal to the table, I am notorious for burning something. Usually, it’s the bread.  But if it’s not the bread, it’s something in my skillet. You know the one, your favorite non-stick skillet that cooks everything perfectly. Yep, that one. This time I got distracted (surprise, surprise) by some small ones arguing and I ran back to the kitchen to smoke and a black skillet. WAH!
That was three days ago. The skillet is still soaking in the sink. Everyday I scrub a little more until my fingers, wrist and arm get tired or my resolve to clean it diminishes first. I really want my skillet back. How could I have been so careless? It wasn’t even on purpose but that five-minute distraction has caused days of frustration and effort to clean up.
I sure wish this wasn’t a perfect picture of my faith, but unfortunately it often is. I pull out my faith in Christ and use it to serve me or others and expect everything I encounter in life to just slide right off that non-stick surface. But then it happens, something distracts me and I forget to tend to my faith and sure enough, it gets burned. Let me just check Facebook or Instagram first this morning. Wow, she’s got it together and I don’t. How could that kid do that? Why am I still dealing with this?  All those little distractions take my eyes off of what I am called to focus on and suddenly I find myself left with a charred heart and mess to clean up. A mess that will take ten-times longer to clean than to make.
  So now I have a couple of choices. I can just throw away my skillet and go buy a new one. I’ve known some friends to do that. Throw away their faith because it’s too burned and cleaning it up seems too hard. Go find a new church, religion, god or quit cooking altogether. I could pretend it’s not a burned mess and keep cooking things right on top. Unfortunately, that keeps leaving this nagging charcoal flavor tinting everything I serve. I wish I didn’t know the bitter taste of living with a charred part of my heart affecting my life, but I do. 
Or I can roll up my sleeves and get to work. Scrub a little today until I’m worn out and then work at it again tomorrow. I relate to Paul when he encourages the Philippians to ‘continue to work out their salvation with fear and trembling.’ I fear seeing that skillet in the sink again today, but ignoring it isn’t going to help, so I researched and found a spray that helps eat through the char. Spray, wait and scrub. Spray, wait and scrub. It’s almost there. I might even have the resolve to finish it up today if I don’t get distracted. 
God is speaking to me about my faith also. It’s not just my effort. When I research in His Word, I’ll find truth to spray on those burned spots. Wait for Christ to soften an area and then do the work of scrubbing. It might take some days or months but I’m determined to get it back so I keep at it. Perseverance sure does pay off, because a little more shines through everyday. 
 
Have you given up on a part of your faith or feel like there’s just too much of a mess there to ever be useful again? What area is God wanting to soften and restore today?
 
Father, my heart is often burned by the things of this world and the mess left behind seems insurmountable. Will you come in, speak truth and soften the hardness? I don’t want to give up but I need encouragement to persevere. Thank you for the truth that I am worth it and useful. No matter how many burns happen, you keep working on me so I can shine. 

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
 
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11
 
‘We are out of ink for the printer, can you pick some up?’  Such a simple request shot across my screen that I didn’t think twice. ‘Sure,’ I quickly replied as I loaded 2 of our boys up in the van. Lunchtime had come and gone as we finished up our monthly service project at a local non-profit in the neighboring town.  Knowing we would pass a store on our way out, I quickly ran through my mental shopping list. You know what I’m talking about. All those random things you forgot on your last list but if you happen to be in the store again you should pick them up.  
Surprisingly, I had nothing. The world very well might have stopped spinning for a moment. 
 
What I did have was a hungry tummy and 2 hungry boys about to bite each other’s head off.   ‘Perfect,‘ I thought, ‘We’ll run in the grocery side and grab a quick snack.‘ (Now pause, have you ever had a moment where you look back and say ‘what was I thinking?’ or ‘surely I never thought that possible?’ well, I have lots of those.)  We quickly grab a small cart, head into the store and see the dreaded sign -CLOSED: TEMPORARILY OUT OF ORDER.  The. Worst. Sign. Ever. 
Great, I could have used the other entrance. The next thought through my mind is a line from a favorite cartoon. 
Get in, get out, never be noticed. 
 
As we jet down the center aisle toward the needed printer ink, there it stands before us. The snack mountain of doom in the form of big, round barrels filled with cheese balls. I’m utterly convinced the only reason large displays of such items are placed in the way of everything is to derail every mom on a one-item mission. Somehow between my youngest commandeering the basket handle and my oldest still moaning about the closed snack bar sign, our tiny cart and the display collide. Oh No! Oh Yes...  Those barrels bounce. And roll. And clatter all down the aisle. Good thing there are three of us to scatter quickly and throw our bodies in front of the run-away cheese balls. (Can I please have a hood on this shirt?) Hurriedly, we gather barrels, re-stack the display and get our ink in silence.  
 
I usher my, still-speechless, boys back to the van where we lose all dignity in peels of laughter while reliving the slow-motion avalanche.  ‘I’m sure glad none of those tops popped off!’ one says. ‘Did you see how far that barrel rolled?’ the other cackles. No dear, I didn’t see, but I’m pretty sure the security camera guys did. They probably replayed it a dozen times, and got a much needed giggle added to their day.
 
Lord, the path I took today didn’t turn out as expected. You interrupted my serious, task-oriented plans and made it a day to remember. Thank you for the gift of interruptions and laughter. May I rejoice in having breath today.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-9
 
“But as for me, it is good to be near God.
    I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; 
I will tell of all your deeds.” Psalm 73:28
 
Today I’m putting on my big girl pants and going. A week ago I made a call I’ve dreaded for months. You know exactly what I mean, we have all made one of those calls before...or maybe you’re still waiting. Whether it was a doctor call, a relationship call, a job call or a call for help. It’s the thing you’ve put off for days, months or maybe years because you just haven’t had the energy to deal with it...and everything you think it brings.
For sixteen years, I’ve asked the Lord to take it away, and for a long time human efforts have helped but time and pain have finally had their way in wearing me down, so I’m waving my white flag. I surrender. My self-sufficiency is no longer enough so I’m seeking help. This specific trial is physical but I’ve seen many a friend bear emotional and spiritual battles that are just as real and cost just as much. The Lord knows I’ve got a handful of those too wrapped up in my roles of wife, mom, sister, daughter and friend.
As I read this morning that His grace is sufficient, my heart is a bit distant. In the church world, I often hear that grace is ‘getting what you don’t deserve’ and when I think about my salvation, absolutely! My sinful self deserves none of God’s favor. But today, in this trial, I honestly can’t help but think ‘I sure am getting something I don’t deserve, and there is nothing pleasant about it…how is that grace?’ Off I go to the dictionary. Grace: unmerited divine assistance. Ok, that helps. When I can’t do anything about this situation, God's assistance is enough. I’m glad to read on that his power is made perfect in weakness because I identify with that part. Remember that white flag? 
While I've been dreading this day, I stop to take a breath and remember that for the last sixteen years the Lord has been near. He has always opened doors for me to shine his goodness into this (and many other) less than good situations. I know that he will give me the same divine assistance today if I call on him. I made the first call already, the next one should be easy. I think I’ll change my slogan from putting on my big girl pants to putting on his big God power.
 
In what situation do you need God’s power to assist you? Is it hard to admit that you are weak and need help? Make the call today.
 
Father, your grace is sufficient. Your assistance is enough. It’s okay that I can’t handle this on my own. You know it’s good for me to stay near to you but I often use my own strength to fight through this life. Thank you for making me weak today so I can have your power instead. I can’t wait to tell others about our adventure together. 

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; 
he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
 
“A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.” John 16:32
 
I’m am not alone. I am not alone. You will go before me, you will never leave me. That worship song by Kari Jobe runs thru my head every single time I need to pee. I just want to be alone. For 30 seconds. A minute would be heavenly. Please! 
 
If you’ve ever been a parent, I’m sure you understand. I’m convinced there is a silent alarm set across the door of my bathroom. It could have been silent in the house for thirty minutes or more. Everyone working on projects, playing or reading but the moment I walk in the bathroom...Mom, where are you? I need you. Mom, can you look at this? Mom, he touched me. Mom, who was the first person to split an atom? I’m an extrovert by nature, I love being around people. Before kids on a personality scale of 1 being introverted and 10 being extroverted, I ranked a 10. The last time I took this test I ranked a 5. I contribute the decline completely to ten years of bathroom intrusions. 
 
As I read through the Bible, I see a constant push and pull between ‘please don’t leave me’ and ‘I need some space.’ Even Jesus lived and spoke of this tension. When he was tired and needed to be refreshed, he would often go away by himself to a hilltop or quiet place to pray. He even invited those in His presence to do the same. (he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” Mark 6:31) However, he also showed compassion and sacrificial love when he met large crowdswho had followed him after he tried to find some privacy. (Matt 14:13-14) Jesus knows what it is like to be constantly needed. Clothes tugged on and requests asked of him day and night. Even healing power taken from him by surprise. I love our real-life Bible sharing how the disciples went ahead for food while Jesus sat down at a well alone. He was plumb worn out and knows how it feels to need a break. 
 
Through the everyday ups and downs, our human bucket gets filled and poured out. Sometimes we need more filling and sometimes we overflow. Sometimes we want out of a relationship, sometimes we are hurt that those relationships are gone. In John 16, Jesus speaks to the disciples the truth that they will all leave him. The very ones who have been all up in his business for over 1,000 days are going to run away and leave him alone. These are the guys he wants by his side in the garden in his final hours. He doesn’t want to be alone, but he finishes with, “yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.” If you have ever been or are currently in a situation where you feel completely alone and don’t like it, Jesus understands that too. 
 
I’m still learning to embrace the tension of being needed and needing to recharge. I believe our flesh battles it all our life. First wanting a break while caring for those around you and then missing that season when they are no longer there. In the moments where I look up and my heart skips a beat because no one is around, my spirit overflows with joy that I am never really alone. The Lord goes before me and he will never leave me.
 
Are you needing to get away and find rest today or do you need to ask others to come alongside you? What truth of God’s never-leaving presence do you need to embrace? 
 
Father, thank you for understanding my real-life struggles. Sometimes I need rest and a chance to recharge and that’s okay. Help me embrace interruptions of these times with compassion and love. Other times, I need support around me but don’t find what I need and feel alone. Fill my mind and heart with truth that even then, I am not really alone. You are always with me.

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!”Psalms 127:3-5

“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven....A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.”Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4
 
“But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” Matthew 19:14
 
To all the people trying to have a nice Friday evening at the food court, I apologize. I was me doubled over in laughter with my friend as our kids raced Nascar-style around us. It was me walking hoards of children up and down the corridor looking for some food joint, any food joint really, that was still open. It was me ignoring the whines, gut punches and falls while the smallest one drank out of every. single. cup. Sure, our planned nice-family-dinner hadn’t quite worked out and here all twelve of us sat in a food court in the midst of chaos but I once heard said ‘the table doesn’t have to be extravagant because the people always are’ and it holds exceptionally true tonight.

It’s been twelve years since the four of us sat together on couches comforting one another in our season of loneliness. Desiring children yet the medical reality forecasting something completely different. Understanding fully the path we each walked, we prayed, entrusted the future to the Lord, and committed to rejoice with and encourage each other.Years have come and gone. Information shared via blog or online. Christmas cards crossed paths, all while prayers remained. 
 
Tonight we are the chaos in your midst. Eight children in 6 years between us (yes you read that right), gifted by God as the fulfillment of His promise to provide. Some of these gifts came sooner than later, some from different cities and some as complete surprises but each a unique and tangible mark of God’s hand in our midst. And so I laugh and smile (and break for timeouts) and embrace the dirty looks because I am completely enthralled with the presence of my friend. No judgment or comparison between us. Just two moms walking in the grace and love of Jesus, laughing and sharing life...and thankful for husbands who are feeding our circus.

As the ever-moving amoeba of now-best-friends swirls with glee around us, I can’t help but feel the smile of my Jesus. “Let the little children come to me,” he reminded his closest friends. “The kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” They aren’t a problem, they are the purpose. You see us sitting in chaos, I see us sitting on couches. Not much has changed really. We still intimately understand this season of life. We still desperately need Jesus to walk us through each day and we still commit to rejoice with and encourage one another.

Who knows what twelve more years will bring? Gray hairs and laughter are a given. Maybe stories of redemption or celebrations of new beginnings. There might be tears of sorrow or frustrations at choices. Whatever that season brings, our friendship will remain...and maybe dinner will be better than a food court.
 
Who can you encourage today in the midst of their chaos? Do you need encouragement? Pray and ask the Lord to supply your need.
 
Father, I thank you that you bring along encouragement in my seasons of drought. This life of motherhood hasn’t quite worked out like I planned, but you are always faithful. Thank you for reminding me to steward well the gifts of children you have entrusted to me. 

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3
 
Fifteen years ago I had an assignment to take one Bible verse, study it and write a message. I vividly remember squatting against a wall in silence for a minute before I started my speech yet it felt like 10,000 minutes. I had chosen Isaiah 26:3 because after three failed surgeries the past year, I was currently in a season of waiting. As a habitual doer and go-getter, waiting still comes with great effort. Over the years I’ve found I repeat this verse to myself almost weekly. Waiting for a job, waiting for a good doctors report, waiting for a home to open up in another state while driving there in the moving truck, waiting years to get pregnant, waiting eighty-five days in a hospital bed once I was pregnant, waiting for the right counselor to help us, waiting for relationships to be reconciled and lots of waiting for prayers big and small to be answered. 

I wish I could say that I’ve learned to wait well and that it comes easy but I would be lying. This morning I’m faced with waiting again. In addition to four upcoming surgeon appointments and several unknowns weighing on my mind, we currently wait daily to see if school will start tomorrow. The enemy wants me to waiver and get overwhelmed with uncertainty during the ebb and flow of my days. How thankful I am that God’s Word is alive and active. Because I have hidden His word in my heart, I take a deep breath and remain steadfast. He is with me and promises his perfect peace even in this season of waiting.  He never failed me then and he won’t start today.
 
What are you waiting for God to do in your life? Are you choosing to remain steadfast and trust Him even when you don’t see results?
 
Father, thank you for never playing hide-and-seek with me. I can have your peace and you tell me exactly how to get it. Help me remain steadfast in your truth and trust that you are waiting with me.